noooo i don’t want to turn 30
I DON’T WANT TO BE A HAG
Don't worry. Turned 30 in June last year.
I feel exactly like I did in my twenties.
You will feel the same way if you are as unaccomplished as I am.
@rebel_luddite i mean, yeah. the number just seems really significant. it’s especially weird to me since i spent most of my life struggling to find a reason to keep going. it feels like my real life just started last year and i shouldn’t be this old
The whole of my twenties is a literal lost decade.
Took too much psilocybin when I was 20, at a time I was already experimenting with too many drugs. Had a full blown manic episode where I left home for a week, not before destroying the living room and doing other things I will not mention. Travelled by walking and literally spent my savings.
Got back home, immediately put into 5150. Got diagnosed bipolar, and very much still am. Depression for 2 years straight...
Took a long time to get over my agoraphobia. Gained massive amounts of weight I am still trying to lose, due to never leaving me room. Literally not moving unless it was to eat.
Tried going back to school several times, and several times I was close to finishing a degree, but always self-sabotaged, dropped out, and when I returned it was for something different.
I am finally beginning to focus, and have finally gotten over my past.
Yet, moving on is so slow.
I lived in a constant malaise. Always angry, for the decisions I made, and I always acted. Lost every friend I had ever made.
Sorry for this unfocused deluge of a life story, which is poorly written, incomplete, and with none of the interesting bits in it.
Point is, a reinvention is in order. I could have died anytime. My own lifespan is uncertain.
I am not indebted to my own past, financially or socially. I can do whatever I want, and that freedom is what motivates me now.
@rebel_luddite damn, sorry to hear that. and don’t apologize! i tend to throw my life story at people too. sometimes out of sympathy, sometimes because i’m processing some part of it.
I have gotten a lot more comfortable with it.
I mean, I still never want to see my childhood friends for as long as I live, but I no longer dismiss or lie about my past with new people.
Maybe I really haven't processed my past fully, but it no longer shuts me down.
Anyways, with modern medicine and expanding lifespans, you want start feeling like a hag until your fifties.
@rebel_luddite it took me years of introspection to more or less get my shit together. just making sense of what was going on in my head, and who i really wanted to be if i could make my own rules without relying on external affirmation all the time.
and finally, it took a very perceptive partner who taught me how to realize when i was hurting myself with my behavior, and made me feel safe expressing myself the way i really am.
in just one year, i’ve changed more than i ever thought possible, and now i’ve got a future to look forward to.